Friday, February 13, 2009

this is only a test...

Sometimes it feels like I’m winning the little test I set up for those I share some sort of human socialized relationship with…

It seems ridiculous of me to even prescribe the qualities of winning or losing in a game I’m the creator and only player aware of its existence. Yet somehow I have the upper hand in the war of social interaction. It’s an epic battle to gain the mighty throne of uselessness, created and maintained by the perversion of my imagination.

These tests are just a pale reflection of my short comings, desires, and weaknesses. I expect in the other the qualities I wish to manifest in myself.
They serve as reflections of my moral standings. What I give importance to and believe… what I was taught to believe as appropriate traits.

Truthfully I really want the other to concede and let me win. Allow my judgment to be right, give me an affirmation of my idiocy. I wouldn’t go so far as to think I’m the only being that engages in such absurd games, but I have no desire to find out who else is partaking.

If they can forgive me for creating the test then somehow I can forgive myself as well.

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