[Fiction] Friday #114

PROMPT: Yesterday, your character called in sick on their birthday because they knew their co-workers had a surprise party planned. Write what happens today.

Baby Fart Blue

I’ve been sitting in my car for over 45 minutes trying to figure out how to erase what happened yesterday. How they ever found out it was my birthday is beyond me. Two years, for two years I was able to conceal the day. I don’t have a facebook or any other social networking nonsense. When asked, I seamlessly adverted the conversation which I’ve become quite good at. There was this one time I almost cracked when Mitch from sales cornered me; he looked me straight in the eyes and asked when was my birthday and why haven’t I told anyone. After a long pause I began to stutter a little when from out of nowhere Peggy the receptionist paged him with a phone call. Maybe if they knew why yesterday could have been avoided. This is ridiculous, a man has the right to share whatever personal information he wants without this sort of harassment!

I’m really late, I’m never late they can’t hold it against me. I had to park at the top level of the garage where no one ever parks. Still, I’m going to have to get out of the car soon enough, they can spot my hide out up here from the windows in the cafeteria. What am I saying, they want to lynch me at this point. I skipped out on my surprise party. Ha ha, I only wish I could have seen their faces after they got word I wasn’t coming in. I didn’t plan for the aftermath, though. I have to face them now. It’s funny how I found out too. If it wasn’t for my post lunch bowl movement session then I would have never over heard the plan for celebration. What gets me heated up and prompted me to act so hasty was their determination to “get me”. This surprise was not a celebration of my existence but a treacherous victory over my right to privacy. Now today I have to sneak around like a criminal.

It must have been that nosey Brenda from accounting. She heads the party inquisition. She’s the head-to-toe-in-pink sort of gal. She is always smiling when she passes you in the hallway. If you dare ask her how she is doing she will reply with an over emotional GREAT! She sends those cliché chain letter emails on how life is filled with fuzzy little animals sliding off of rainbows and unicorns that poop heart bubbles, but you better make sure to send it to the other 10 co-workers around you or all your hair will fall off and you’ll have halitosis. And like clockwork, 30 seconds later I will have about 10 forwards of the same message. She has 5 different cutesy animal calendars in her office. All that pink makes me a little dizzy when I get in her space- might be the cotton candy scented candles. Those things will give you cavities after prolonged exposure. I asked her once how she refrains from vomiting glitter and sparkly objects whenever she enters her office but she laughed and slugged me on the shoulder really hard. I think that was the most honest interaction I have ever had with her.

How did she do it, though? Must have been Rose the new HR rep. They instantly became close- she is just like Brenda only in baby fart blue. She must have checked my file or something. Isn’t that a breach of confidence? She must have violated an HR oath. It’s enough delaying it. I’m just going in. I can see all their cars are parked so I should expect a full house. Hmm, no sight of Peggy out in the front, I must be pretty lucky. She would have been the first to deal with...

“SURPRISE!!!!” “BLURRRRRGGGPPH….” Everything grew really quiet. “Sorry guys, I projectile vomit whenever startled. “